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literature
The Forest and The Fog
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Literature Text
I find myself inside a forest
Where everything is all too real
I find a girl and get my closest
But to our touch, I cannot feel
I awake and all is in a fog
I want to go back to that place
where I might sit with her on a log
where I'd get to see her face to face.
I see a girl who's just as fair
in the same fog as i awoke
for we could someday be a pair
if only we had ever spoke
Talking to you, I'll always deem
even if I can't in a dream
Where everything is all too real
I find a girl and get my closest
But to our touch, I cannot feel
I awake and all is in a fog
I want to go back to that place
where I might sit with her on a log
where I'd get to see her face to face.
I see a girl who's just as fair
in the same fog as i awoke
for we could someday be a pair
if only we had ever spoke
Talking to you, I'll always deem
even if I can't in a dream
Comments3
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It's completely inexcusable that only now I'm giving you the requested critique, so I truly am sorry about that. Hopefully it's still helpful.
My main suggestion is on the rhymes. You can keep this rhyming, but dont force them. A lot fo the time, the lines seem a bit mangled in order to maintain the scheme, which sacrifices the flow and meaning of the poem. Try to avoid that. The most prevalent examples I could find follow.
-"But to our touch, I cannot feel"
-"I awake and all is in a fog"
-"where I might sit with her on a log"
-"Talking to you, I'll always deem"
The story itself is quite nice, and you convey it very well. The first and third stanzas are the strongest part of the poem.
I hope those suggestions are helpful! If you have more specific questions, ask away.
My main suggestion is on the rhymes. You can keep this rhyming, but dont force them. A lot fo the time, the lines seem a bit mangled in order to maintain the scheme, which sacrifices the flow and meaning of the poem. Try to avoid that. The most prevalent examples I could find follow.
-"But to our touch, I cannot feel"
-"I awake and all is in a fog"
-"where I might sit with her on a log"
-"Talking to you, I'll always deem"
The story itself is quite nice, and you convey it very well. The first and third stanzas are the strongest part of the poem.
I hope those suggestions are helpful! If you have more specific questions, ask away.